Do You Really See How Pretty You Are?

As crazy as it may seem for most of my life I have never saw who I really was.  Sure I saw the facade I chose to wear when I went to work, a different one when I was with my friends, another one when I was with my family and yet a completely different one when I went home to my ex-husband.  The question is why do we do that?  Why do we think that the person that we are is somehow not capable of being enough in all the different aspects of our lives?  But the real question comes is who are you when no one is around?  Are you pieces of each of your facades? 

I say absolutely I am but, there is more to it than that - more to me but for some reason I have never let anyone see, her.  Is it because I’m really shy?  Is is because I don’t let people in easily?  Is it because I don’t like who I am?  or Is it simply because I don’t believe if I am truly myself that I am worthy?  In retrospect it is all of them and somewhere along the way I finally realized that I was hiding even from myself.  Sure it is easy enough to avoid the mirror - only looking in it to put makeup on, do my hair and make sure my clothes were okay but have I ever really looked in the mirror and saw myself?  Have you ever saw the person staring back and thought  “wow she’s awesome”.  Hell no, I spent too much time avoiding my own eyes, avoiding the body that I hated and tried desperately to cover up the embarrassment so that not even I had to look at it. 

And, I also tried not to listen to my own thoughts too much because I was truly unhappy in so many areas of my life.  So I somehow thought if I stayed busy, really busy I could even avoid my own thoughts.  Cause the truth is when you hate yourself, hate your body, hate your job and know if your heart that you married the wrong person for all of the wrong reasons its not easy to face those truths.  Its not easy to own up to your mistakes and correct them.  Heck where would you even start?  And with which part?  So as I have faced all of my “ugly” truths and all of my fears (or shall I say each one as it comes up);  I have somehow managed to live beyond the misery of myself.  I have found a place of happiness, true contentment that I have never felt in my own skin, love and appreciation for myself and for who I am today. 

Something else came alive in me that I never noticed before or truthfully had the courage to listen to and that was a real desire and need to share what I have learned with as many people as I possibly can so that no one has to go through what I had to struggle with my entire life.  Self hatred, anger, disappointment, hiding from myself were not things that suddenly popped up in my life that had been there for a long, long time and I finally realized that when I looked back on my life and thought there has to be more to life than this?  There has to be more to look forward to everyday than a life that was full of so much anger, sadness, stress, sickness and absolute denial as to how bad life really was.  There had to be more and I can honestly say there truly is now but it took more courage, determination and fight than I thought I had in me to be here today, but I am here.  I am here in such a better place and it all started when I truly saw myself in the mirror for the first time and thought okay no judgment, no ugly thoughts, lets just look and see - get a starting point and I’ll move on from there but I have to truly “SEE ME” not the nasty images or thoughts that I have conjured up in my head over the years but really me, the person looking back at myself in the mirror. 

So my question for you, do reader is who do you see when you look in the mirror?  And do you think he/she is truly awesome for who you are today?  If you do than I am truly thrilled for you beyond belief but my guess is if you are reading this than you are more like me.  So lets do this together - one day at a time.

Till next time,

Lisa

Do you know what it is like to feel beautiful?

First of all when was the last time you felt beautiful?  Do you have a specific outfit? shirt? jacket? dress? something that you wear that you think “Gee I feel beautiful”  and if  feeling beautiful is a stretch for you have you - ever thought you felt “cute”?  Do you even know what pretty even feels like?  For far too long I was so mortified with how I looked, embarrassed by myself because I was so use to beating myself up about how my body turned out that I actually put words in other people’s mouths that they never said instead of bettering my thoughts in my own head.  Have you ever done that?  Has your brain ever taken over and had a conversation for you?   I think it comes with years of unhappiness and everyone who I have met who isn’t happy with themselves has had these type of conversations.

But what I have learned is that even if I have the most gorgeous, fantastic and expensive clothes in my closet if I don’t like the me in them I’m never gonna be pretty.  So you can dress me up but you can’t take the ugly out of me cause its stuck in my head.  It wasn’t until I finally learned to turn down that voice did I ever learn to feel not bad, to okay, to kinda cute, to cute, to adorable and to finally pretty.  And I tell you it is a revelation to feel pretty on a regular basis.  Truth is we all have things in our closet that can be pretty if we only allow our brain to function that way.  When was the last time your brain thought you were pretty?  or that your makeup looked good?  or your hair looked nice?  or that dress was not bad?

My next question is when you feel pretty or cute do you carry yourself differently into the world?  Do people react to you differently when you carry yourself in a different manner?  And the answer is absolutely.  When you are confident and when you carry yourself with an air of self esteem not only do you treat yourself better but so does the world around you.  So why is it that we rarely make the effort to feel pretty?  Why is it that we fail to take the time to take care of ourselves so that we can put our best foot forward?  

I know absolutely when I am dressed like a bum so to speak, I feel crappy, I tend to eat crappy, look crappy, act and react to people in a negative or really nonchalant way.  And I also know that when I take a few extra minutes and put some great makeup on, do my hair and put on something that I’m not hiding my body in, I actually have a better day.  I actually am in a better mood, I actually am way more positive and therefore attract more positiveness to my life from here.  But some days it feels like I just can’t?  So my question is why can’t I?  Why can’t we make a concerted effort to feel pretty about yourself every day?  To turn down that voice in our heads and be the best pretty we can be today?  No judgment just be pretty that is my goal everyday.  I strive to like one think about my appearance every day.  Want to play with me?  How cool would it be if we learned to appreciate ourself a little bit more every single day?   A little self confidence goes a long way.  :)

Till next time.

Lisa

Embrace your curves!

As a former really big girl and someone who always made an effort to hide my body so that no one else would be as grossed out as I was by it - I have to say that I found myself dressing several sizes bigger than I was.  Truth be told I even shopped in the Men’s Department anything so that no one could see me.  But what happens to your own brain is that you start to think of yourself as being bigger than you really are.  In addition, when you are swimming in your clothes you definitely look bigger than you really are - so my question is who are you fooling?  So then what is the answer?  I have to say the only answer is to find clothes that actually fit you.  When you start wearing clothes that actually fit you actually begin to see yourself differently.  I know that sounds basic enough but when you actually put on a blouse that fits with a pair of straighter legged pants instead of the enormous wide legged ones you will find that you may actually start to feel differently about yourself.  Now I realize that doing this once is not gonna make that happen, but if you do this consistently for a week, I promise you - you will start to treat yourself differently and so will the people around you.

I have to say shopping for other people is truly one of my favorite things on earth to do but when I’m shopping for me, my brain still plays tricks on me.  I still gravitate towards the larger sizes even now and some days it makes me laugh.  Nothing better than holding up something or trying on something that is falling off of you and you actually send the sales person for a smaller size.  The truth is before I would have NEVER asked the sales person for help cause I’d rather die than tell someone what size I was, so now I rather enjoy that little victory.  

But as I looked in my closet the other day something hit me pretty hard and that was all of my blouses are still quite flowing, I have one form fitting blouse in my entire closet that I rarely pull out unless I’m really looking to impress.  So the question that rang in my head was - “what if I need to impress someone more than once, then what am I gonna wear?”  Everything in my closet is a different color but mostly similar in style - my Mom calls then “moo moos” and a friend of mind refers to her blouses as her “uniform” or even “schmatas” so my question to you is what does your closet look like?  Is it full of a ton of schmatas?  And what do you wear when you want to impress someone a second or third time?  

So I decided to do something radical and that was go shopping for more form fitting clothes that actually fit me.  But I have to say in the dressing room I almost chickened out cause I still went for the flowing one as opposed to the one that fit close to my body.  I actually came out of the dressing room in the shirt that I thought was too tight and went to see if the shirt came in a bigger size when the sales person caught me as wanted to help me.  So I told her I wanted the same shirt in the next size up and the girl looked at me like I had three heads and said “Why”?  I told her it was too tight and she said “No, it fits you perfectly - wish I had your curves”  Okay at this point I looked at this 19 year old girl and said “I’m sorry but what did you just say?”  And as she repeated this too me, I burst out laughing cause even now when I look in the mirror I don’t see curves and beauty some days - I still see that overweight insecure girl I use to be.  And of course the fact that a 19 year old liked my curves made my freaken week.  So lets just say I went back in the dressing room and took the form fitting ones.  

But my point is, this is a process.  Some days are better than others and we all struggle sometimes. Its important that you recognize how far you have come, it’s important that you appreciate you for the size that you are today and embrace your own curves - they are what makes you, you and beautiful.

Till next time,

Lisa