You know it's funny, I have always considered myself a bit of a control freak and when I have no control over a situation, I feel like a caged animal ready to attack or to run for me there has never been much of any other option. So I recently took a look back at the events in my life to try and figure out how I can break this pattern cause I'm exhausted and over always trying to control every little detail of my life. Have you ever felt that way? I finally realized that I am a self-described control freak because I'm one big ball of fear.
When my life felt upside-down, I realized that I then tried to control as many things in my life as I possible could because I felt so out of control and unhappy with my own life. Have you ever done that? Have you ever tried to control everything for fear that if you didn't things would get worse? But I finally realized that the reason I have become such a control nutcase even today is because I have lived my life in a state of fear for so long and I finally realized where that fear came from, it came from me!
I made certain concessions, even though I knew I shouldn't in my life, I settled for less than I should have but I have always that that since I made those decisions I was in control. Could it be possible that I was DEAD WRONG? I think it is very possible that because I thought less of me, I settled for less than what I deserved and I was miserable - that I then scrounged around and had to control everything else around me for fear that I would give away more or settle for less than once again. Not really addressing the main issue but merely trying to cover it up once again.
So I took away my own trust in me, my own trust in people and tried to hide behind my shield of power and control. You can only hide and protect yourself for so long and then eventually you realize that if you don't deal with your crap from your past, you bring it into your present and eventually your future. And the really cool thing is when you can make the correlation, you notice what you are doing and you are able to make better and informed decisions going forward. For me, I also realized that this isn't just about being out of control in one area in my life because that certainly flows over into my relationship that I have with myself, with my body and with food. When your life feels out of control - what or who do you turn to? And when you are trying to gain that control back - what do you obsess about that you then tend to try and over control or over analyze? Just some questions ratting around in my head, isn't that what life is all about learning from your mistakes and moving forward? I sure as heck think so. So I'm trying a new thing, I'm giving up my self-imposed title of control freak and gonna try really, really hard to trust and to be honest and to love myself and stop trying to hide behind a false sense of bravado.
Till next time,