As crazy as it may seem for most of my life I have never saw who I really was. Sure I saw the facade I chose to wear when I went to work, a different one when I was with my friends, another one when I was with my family and yet a completely different one when I went home to my ex-husband. The question is why do we do that? Why do we think that the person that we are is somehow not capable of being enough in all the different aspects of our lives? But the real question comes is who are you when no one is around? Are you pieces of each of your facades?
I say absolutely I am but, there is more to it than that - more to me but for some reason I have never let anyone see, her. Is it because I’m really shy? Is is because I don’t let people in easily? Is it because I don’t like who I am? or Is it simply because I don’t believe if I am truly myself that I am worthy? In retrospect it is all of them and somewhere along the way I finally realized that I was hiding even from myself. Sure it is easy enough to avoid the mirror - only looking in it to put makeup on, do my hair and make sure my clothes were okay but have I ever really looked in the mirror and saw myself? Have you ever saw the person staring back and thought “wow she’s awesome”. Hell no, I spent too much time avoiding my own eyes, avoiding the body that I hated and tried desperately to cover up the embarrassment so that not even I had to look at it.
And, I also tried not to listen to my own thoughts too much because I was truly unhappy in so many areas of my life. So I somehow thought if I stayed busy, really busy I could even avoid my own thoughts. Cause the truth is when you hate yourself, hate your body, hate your job and know if your heart that you married the wrong person for all of the wrong reasons its not easy to face those truths. Its not easy to own up to your mistakes and correct them. Heck where would you even start? And with which part? So as I have faced all of my “ugly” truths and all of my fears (or shall I say each one as it comes up); I have somehow managed to live beyond the misery of myself. I have found a place of happiness, true contentment that I have never felt in my own skin, love and appreciation for myself and for who I am today.
Something else came alive in me that I never noticed before or truthfully had the courage to listen to and that was a real desire and need to share what I have learned with as many people as I possibly can so that no one has to go through what I had to struggle with my entire life. Self hatred, anger, disappointment, hiding from myself were not things that suddenly popped up in my life that had been there for a long, long time and I finally realized that when I looked back on my life and thought there has to be more to life than this? There has to be more to look forward to everyday than a life that was full of so much anger, sadness, stress, sickness and absolute denial as to how bad life really was. There had to be more and I can honestly say there truly is now but it took more courage, determination and fight than I thought I had in me to be here today, but I am here. I am here in such a better place and it all started when I truly saw myself in the mirror for the first time and thought okay no judgment, no ugly thoughts, lets just look and see - get a starting point and I’ll move on from there but I have to truly “SEE ME” not the nasty images or thoughts that I have conjured up in my head over the years but really me, the person looking back at myself in the mirror.
So my question for you, do reader is who do you see when you look in the mirror? And do you think he/she is truly awesome for who you are today? If you do than I am truly thrilled for you beyond belief but my guess is if you are reading this than you are more like me. So lets do this together - one day at a time.
Till next time,