As someone who grew up always being overweight, I learned very early on that in order to survive the looks, comments, and being picked on in school - that I needed to develop a coping mechanism that included disconnecting from my body. I can actually remember thinking I am not my body, I am so much more than that. But unfortunately, first impressions and first looks causes everyone to form an opinion of who people thought I was. We do it every day, we judge people without even thinking about it.
In today’s society so much is based on how a person looks. We have all been trying to measure up to what the magazines, tv, movies and internet describe as beautiful. And for me, beautiful was something out there, something completely unattainable and something that I secretly strived to be.
I spent most of my life on a never-ending diet that never worked. And, truly that only caused me to push further and further away from my body and completely disconnect from the image in the mirror. And, disconnect from the pain of being a constant disappointment to myself.
Never really understanding how I could survive and conqueror everything else in life but my weight was a constant annoying mystery that I could never solve. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the discipline or the dedication as I spent years going to the gym at 5:00a.m. before work. I can remember many conversations with my ex-husband and him saying he didn’t understand it either, I didn’t eat badly and I ate about a quarter of what he did and nothing. In truth, I exercised to the point of pain and spent most days on the way home I had to stop at the chiropractors office to get put back together to start it all over again tomorrow. Clearly, that was a sign that something wasn’t right but I was so disconnected from my body that it didn’t matter to me.
I was obsessed with looking better, never feeling better. It never occurred to me that I could actually have more energy or that I could have a relationship with my body other that hatred. I dressed to hide my body as much as possible and I stopped looking at myself all together except for the bathroom mirror to put on makeup in the mornings.
I never realized how disconnected I was from my body and from my life really until my life came crashing down and I lost everything my husband, my home and my career all within a matter of weeks. I never really realized but I defined myself by my career and due to the economy the company downsized majorly.
In truth, this wasn’t a career I ever wanted and my then husband wouldn’t let me change it because the benefits were pretty good. I can remember sitting on the floor between moving boxes and laughing through the tears at God saying well didn’t you get rid of everything at once, now what am I suppose to do?
Well just when the rug gets pulled out from under you, it got pulled out from under me again because my health started to fail big time. All that I thought was important that I was mourning truly wasn’t important when you become to sick to get out of bed. At first, I just thought I was really depressed, who could blame me? But than after multiple doctor visits and tests, the doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with. They had no clue! First they thought I had IBS, then they thought maybe it was Crohn’s Disease, then they thought it was excessive fatigue syndrome, it must be because of stress, then it must be IBD… At this point I gave up on them, they were grasping at straws and I was getting sicker and sicker and could barely drag myself away from the bathroom.
So what did I have to do? I had to learn to listen to my body.
- You know that same body that I had no regard for.
- The same body that I have spent most of my life hating.
- The same body that I have neglected.
- The same body that has let me down time and time again.
- The same body that is still overweight.
- The same body that I have been ashamed of my whole life.
- The same body that I have ignored all the pains as much as I could.
- The same body that I had become so disconnected from.
- The same body I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
- The same body that I was angry with.
- The same body that I everyone judges, including me.
I had to figure out what the hell my body was trying to tell me because the doctors were clearly missing something and I knew that in my soul. It was the only thing I knew for sure that if I didn’t quickly learn to listen to my body, I might not be here much longer.
In order to listen to my body, really listen, I had to slow everything down in my life. I had to learn to be kinder to myself and to my body this was NOT an easy thing to do when I had only ever had anger, hatred and completely disconnected from my body.
Now I had to figure out how to connect with it. How does one connect to something that you have completely turned away from?
I eventually figured that out and here’s a little sneak peek at what I learned and you’ll learn how to do:
I’ll be sharing these secrets in my new program coming soon, click here to be the first to know.
It wasn’t until I slowed down, learned to accept my body, learned to re-connect with my body and to eventually forgive my body for letting me down all these years that I actually understood that I should really be grateful that it. My body had been protecting me for all these years while I was feeding it food that was poison to it when I discovered I have probably had celiac disease since I was a toddler. The reason I say that is, because I have had multiple health challenges my entire life and this simply explains them all. Not once did any doctor ever put it together but when you literally have had 95% of the common symptoms you realize it’s time to change your tune. Here's a list of the common symptoms that you may have.
In addition here is a handy little checklist that is used as a tool to help your doctors determine if you or your child should be tested for celiac disease.
Sure wish I knew about this when my doctor refused to test me for celiac disease and I removed gluten from my diet years ago.
Instead of rejecting me, my body was fighting for it’s life and I was too busy creating a really unhappy, unhealthy life that was full of so many lies that I swept under the covers because there were too scary to face. Well evidently my body and the universe had other plans for me when my entire world imploded and I was given a life do-over. This time I chose to make my life full of healthy better choices in all areas of my life. Every day is my healthy-do-over. Every day I chose to make better choices and I chose to support my body and no longer fight against it.
How about you? What is your relationship like with your body? Please share in the comments below. And please add your name to the list, if you’d like to learn to how to havea better relationship with your body and yourself.